Chapter III (3) · Feelings of Despair
In 1842 I constantly attended the Second Advent meetings in Portland, and fully believed the Lord was coming. I was hungering and thirsting for holiness of heart; day and night it was my study how to obtain this treasure that all the riches of the world could not purchase. And while bowed before the Lord, praying for this blessing, the duty to pray in a prayer meeting was presented before me. I had never prayed vocally, and was not humble enough to do this, fearing that if I should attempt to pray, I should become confused and be obliged to stop, or my prayer be very broken. Every time I went before the Lord in secret prayer this unfulfilled duty presented itself, until I ceased to pray, for in this state of mind my prayers seemed like mocking God. I settled down in a melancholy state which increased to deep despair. p. 15, Para. 1, [2SG].
In this state of mind I remained three weeks, with not one ray of light to pierce the thick clouds of darkness around me. My sufferings were very great. How precious did the hope of the christian look to me then. And how wretched the state of the sinner without God or hope in the world. I remained bowed before the Lord nearly all night, groaning, and all I had any confidence to utter was, "Lord, have mercy." Such utter hopelessness would seize me that I would fall upon my face with such agony of feelings as cannot be described. Like the poor publican, I dared not so much as lift my eyes toward heaven. I became much reduced in flesh. My friends looked upon me as one sinking in a decline. At length a dream was given me which sunk me still lower in despair, if possible. p. 16, Para. 1, [2SG].
I dreamed that there was a temple to which many people were flocking, and all who would be saved when time should close must be within that temple. And all who were outside the temple would be lost. As I looked upon the people going to the temple, I saw the multitude laughing at and deriding them, telling them that it was all a deception. They even caught hold of some who were hastening to the temple and tried to hold them. p. 16, Para. 2, [2SG].
I was afraid of being laughed at and ridiculed, and thought I would wait until the multitude were dispersed, or